Tonight I have been reading some bits of my writing I have on my computer or my phone. Just the kind of thing you write because you simply have to get it out of your head. I have been reading them because Seli tweeted about having a heart to heart with her computer and it sparked the thoughts I had last night. The ones I knew I should have let escape by words into one of these but instead I had one of the biggest cries I have had in a long while. Now I know it probably seems weird to some people (like Mollie) but I sobbed so hard I thought I'd stopped breathing at one point. But the stupid thing is I don't even fully understand why I cried. Nothing brought it on, well besides my mum huffing around but that's not out of the ordinary. I remember just thinking 'wow I haven't cried like this a very long time' and 'why am I even in this state? Man I'm just so exhausted. I'm sick of being exhausted.'I fear that if we spend too much of our lives searching for things, for ourselves, our partners, our lives, we wont be able to recognize when we need to stop. We won’t be able to stop. If we can’t stop searching to realise that what we are searching for isn’t existent or is sitting there patiently in front of us waiting for the day we can see. See that the constant searching for more, the need to have more and more meant our vision had been forgotten along the way.I fear that if we can’t stop because of the fear of standing still, afraid of being happy finally I guess. Afraid that if we aren’t working for it; for happiness, for love, it could all be ripped right out from underneath us with one very swift movement and all the things we had accepted to be ours no longer could be. Restricted from the pure joy of a little boy playing in the park with his puppy, no longer aloud to love but filled with plenty of bitterness and hate, enough venom to last a lifetime.I’m afraid that the searching and the looking for better, always the next model up, will mean that we are always dissatisfied with the results of our impeccably high standards.I am in no means afraid that we will have standards because we need some standards. I just fear that we won’t ever be able to stop the judging and accept and love the flaws of our misguided lives.I fear we will never learn to create our own better, our own lives and happiness. I am terrified that I will never stop searching. I don’t want to end up all alone without having breathed. I need to live, to be able to feel alive even when I am the very opposite of it. I don’t think I could handle the regrets of not stopping, breathing and staying.
But then tonight I read that bit I wrote about my fear of not being able to stop searching and I realized that I have been feeling the same way since the end of May and it has just been building up slowly until finally I burst. It's funny how you don't even notice things like that, when your stress levels just build slowly over months of time, well not until you stop and you realize what was happening. Sure all those feelings from last night are still there ready to pounce when I least expect it but they are just a little bit lighter. Sometimes it really is good to have a shoulder wrenching sob every once in a while, better yet a big laugh-till-you-cry laughing session. Actually I have had both of these this week. Lucky me.
Okay wow I just read over that and umm wow. I am such a drama queen. But there we go a little insight into the way my mind works. I hope it's not too scary!